The Return of the Ultimate Mary Sue
by Millikov
Summary: The timeless epic of lame unoriginality returns to enthrall(disgust) audiences with its story. *Updated...epilogue added* Go me!!
1. The Saga Begins

Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine, not even the Mary Sue. She belongs to all the Mary Sue writers out there. The author of an atypical Self-Inserted Mary Sue will begin like this-THIZ IZ JUZ SUMTHING I WROTE! IT IS THE BEST FANFIC ON FF.NET! I PROMISE U THAT U WIL DIFINATELY LUV IT!!!! (Note: Spelling mistakes in that segment are intentional, in order to properly portray a Self-Inserted Mary Sue) The Return of the Ultimate Mary Sue (in Self Insertion) 

Let's pretend that Sauron and Gimli didn't nance off into the sunset together, like they really did in "The Ultimate Mary Sue". We will also pretend that Vordolwen was not Sauron in disguise, like she/he really was. We will believe with all our heart that Legolas married Vordolwen, even though that was not what really happened. Right. Let's move on shall we?

Legolas married Vordolwen and they lived happily ever after, she morphing from a human to a half-elf to a full-elf by some unexplainable, illogical phenomenon. They have one child, who is obviously an elf, and of course, female. Since this is a Mary Sue, and thus a self-insert, the author will have no choice but to do what all Mary Sues have done before. Insert her name in (author note: Valar have mercy! Noooo! Don't let them stick my name in! GAHHH!). Thus, Legolas and Vordolwen named their daughter Alagedhelwen.

Which, according to the Barrows Down name generator thingy, is Millikov in Elvish, Millikov being the author's penname. (Note: and Millikov apparently means Nassssty Valar.) 

Alagedhelwen, as expected, is more beautiful then her parents, Arwen, Galadriel, Luthien Tinuviel put together. As is typical of a post-War of the Ring, Self-Inserted Mary Sue, King Hoombaroombaladeeda is dead, Valar knows why, since Elves are supposed to be IMMORTAL.

Alagedhelwen had hair that the author will have to blather on about for no less than ten pages, this being a Mary Sue. (But she will spare you that torture. Praise the Valar!) All the reader has to know is that her hair is damn bloody long, black as a raven's wing, black as ebony. Her skin was flawlessly flawless, her eyes a piercing, flaming, emerald green, framed with thick black lashes.

It is as this point where Legolas, upon beholding that little brat…I mean…beautifully cherubic little elf (the author is beginning to feel sick), gasps. 

"What's the matter, my love?"  Vordolwen asks, turning her radiantly splendiferous face away from her little Alagedhelwen, not looking the least bit fatigued even though she was supposed to have been up all night with the midwives who were all screaming "Push, you fat arsed eejit! For Valar's sake, PUSH!" But of course, she would never have done that, this being a SELF-INSERTED MARY SUE, Alagedhelwen would just have poof! Magically and most extraordinarily appeared as a baby. (Author note: does one wonder why this baby is born with super-long hair? Ahhh…simple, because this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, thus we shall pretend that being born with arse-long hair is perfectly normal.)

Legolas does not reply to Vordolwen's query, either because he has come upon a revelation, or is just plain stupid. 

So Vordolwen repeats her question, suddenly growing quite frantic that her dearest husband did not reply. 

"What's the matter, my love?"

Legolas, awestruck, begins reciting a poem-

Three for the Elven Kings under the Sky, 

Seven for the Dwarf Lords in their Halls of Stone, 

Nine for Mortal Men Doomed to Die, 

One for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne

And one more for the nancing Green-Eyed Girl

The Mary Sue who makes me hurl

That would be what the author would write, but most unfortunately, this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, meaning that it is horrendously sappy with an appalling rhyming scheme. So we shall try again.

Rewind. Play.

Legolas, awestruck, begins reciting a poem-

Three for the Elven Kings under the Sky, 

Seven for the Dwarf Lords in their Halls of Stone, 

Nine for Mortal Men Doomed to Die, 

One for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne

Another found by the emerald-eyed maiden

Who with bow and arrow laden

Went forth to destroy

The Evil Dark Lord guy

Master Tolkein will be turning in his grave. But that is exactly what this piece of fiction aims to achieve, because it is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue. (Author note: might as well begin the story with that dreaded phrase from a certain soap opera-"Like sand through the hour glass, so are the days of Alagedhelwen's life." Snicker.) 

Alagedhelwen grows up to be an even more stunningly breathtaking beauty, whom everybody adores, from Uncle Gimli to Uncle Qui-Gon Jinn the Electric Maroon, who was formerly known as Dumbledore the Neon Pink, before the whole Balrog thing. Of course, Alagedhelwen was a very rebellious and headstrong child, always fluttering around gracefully like a butterfly from flower patch to flower patch (author note: in short, prancing her nancing) around the woods of Rivenlorien like it's nobody's business. Of course, we know that the woods were once called Greenwood, then renamed Mirkwood, and finally Eryn Lasgalen, or Wood of the Greeleaves. But this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, therefore qualifying the author as an imbecilic retard who never even knew that the Lord of the Rings trilogy are actually BOOKS. The author of a Self-Inserted Mary Sue will only have watched the movie a gazillion times, not because it is entertaining or a fantastic transposition of book to movie, but for the sole purpose of ogling at Legolas's flat arse.  Thus she will only know of two places where the elves live-Rivendaylle and Lofftlorien (again, watched movie but never read books, so the author will not know that it is actually Rivendell and Lothlórien). The author, not knowing what Legolas's home is called, thus names it Rivenlorien. And because this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, we will not question the author's obvious ignorance and utter lack of creativity, but will nod our heads approvingly, praising her for coming up with such an ingeniously brilliant name.  Alagedhelwen flits around Rivenlorien, and all the servants run around looking for her, calling-

"Fair Princess Alagedhelwen, My Lady, where are you?" 

They do not notice that she is standing right behind a tree; her head poking out, as she peeps and giggles. We will also turn a blind eye to this, because this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, meaning that Alagedhelwen is oh-so cleverly concealed.  Legolas is oh-so proud of his gutsy daughter, Vordolwen oh-so worried of her gutsy daughter, because of the prophecy/poem thingy. 

One day, Poof! Alagedhelwen finds the extra ring that she was supposed to find because of the prophecy/poem. She tells mummy dearest about it, and mummy dearest tells her about the poem/prophecy. Alagedhelwen then says-

"What must I do?"

Take the ring to Mordor and cast it into the fires of Mount Doom, you moron.

Alagedhelwen puzzles over what to do for an eternity, before hitting upon a solution.

"I, Alagedhelwen, will take the ring to Mordor and cast it into the fires of Mount Doom, although I do not know the way."

Brilliant. Uhh…I mean Bloody Brilliant! Wow! Excellent idea! I would NEVER have thought of that!

Mummy dearest cries but lets her go, Daddy dearest bawls his lungs out but lets her go. 

Enter the Gary Stu, Aragorn and Erwon (Again, the idiocy of a Self-Inserted Mary Sue author, so it becomes Erwon, not Arwen)'s son, Nurwethion.

Which, according to the name generator thingy at Barrows Down, means Gary Stu in elvish. (And, according to that, Gary Stu means Illiterate Uruk-hai).  Along with Nurwethion comes his brother, Ascafalath, meaning Pervy Alagedhelwen-fancier in Elvish. This means that we all know where this story is heading, but will be mindfully ignorant of that fact, as this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue. We will also choose to discard the fact that Aragorn and Erwon/Arwen had only one son named Eldarion, and a couple of daughters. All of whom, I am sure, were not Pervy Alagedhelwen-fancier's. But we don't know that do we? Noooooo.

Nurwethion and Ascafalath are to accompany Alagedhelwen to Mordor, as she does not know the way.

"So be it,' announces Legolas grandly. "By the power vested in me by my late father, King Hoombaroombaladeeda,"

"And the power vested in me by my late father Sissyissywissykumbaya," interjects Aragorn, seemingly in the name of friendship, and we will all pretend to be dickheads and not realize that Aragorn is just trying to outdo Legolas. After all, this is a _Self-Inserted Mary Sue._

"So be it. You shall be the New Fellowship of the Other Ring!" Legolas announces. And they all clap and cheer and we clap and cheer along with everybody, utterly err…impressed by this display of grandeur. 

Nurwethion takes one look at Alagedhelwen and hates her. Or supposedly hates her, seemingly unaware of the inevitable stirring in his loins the minute he gazed into her fiery emerald eyes and beheld her perfect beauty, not to mention her slim and lithe frame, as well as her arse-long hair. We will play along. Nurwethion hates Alagedhelwen. He does not have the overwhelming desire to shag her. He hates her. Ascafalath also encounters that surge of Elvish Testosterone. Ascafalath elbows Nurwethion aside in a frantic bid to kiss Alagedhelwen's hand. We are permitted to know that Ascafalath fancies Alagedhelwen, simply because it is SO DAMN OBVIOUS, due to the fact that Ascafalath has been snogging Alagedhelwen's hand for about ten minutes or so. Legolas, Vordolwen, Aragorn and Erwon, however, are utterly charmed by this extremely pervy display of lust, and simultaneously start contemplating arranging a marriage between the two. It is at this point where those who are reading this Self-Inserted Mary Sue must scream "Noooooo!!!!! Alagedhelwen, don't go for Ascafalath! You belong to Nurwethion who hates you to bits, because the both of you are PERFECT for each other!" (Author note: and also because we know that he really wants to shag you and you really want to shag him.). Of course, one will wonder how come Nurwethion hates   Alagedhelwen even though he wants to shag her, and why they are perfect for each other. Simple. Proper Plot Development and Characterization are non-existent in a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, or any other Mary Sue, for that matter.

And off they go (Wheee!). Alagedhelwen, Nurwethion and Ascafalath set off for Mount Doom, accompanying them are Alagedhelwen menagerie of animals. There's Pigwidegon the owl, Mystic Fog the white wolf, and a high-spirited steed called Star Fire. Aren't these names _simply_ amazing? (Note that these words are highly coated with sarcasm). And yes, you guessed it, these animals are psychic and Alagedhelwen can communicate with them telepathically.

Here I feel compelled to pause a little to ponder-Why in Middle-Earth must they destroy the Other Ring? Is it evil? I mean, Nenya, Narya and Vilya weren't used for evil purposes were they? Nooooo… this just happens to be a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, so the Other Ring is automatically evil.

So the New Fellowship of the Other Ring journey on and on and on and on across hill and heather, Nurwethion forcing himself to ignore Alagedhelwen, whom Ascafalath is cozying up to. And Alagedhelwen is too idiotic...oops…I mean innocent to notice, regarding Ascafalath as a friend, and as expected, Ascafalath gets the wrong message. Ascafalath starts thinking- "Ssshe likess me…preciouss likess me…will ssshag preciouss soon…" Or something along those lines.

 Fast Forward to Lofftlorien (note: Lothlórien). Ascafalath can take it no more, and thus tells Alagedhelwen that he loves her (in other words, he oh-so desperately wants to shag her). Alagedhelwen modestly tells him-

"Ah, dear Ascafalath, I love you only as a brother."

Oh dear. Bad move.

Ascafalath pretends that everything is okay, reassures her that they will remain friends, before darting into the woods and instantly becoming evil. Galadriel and Kelebeletornian (note: Celeborn) are oblivious to everything, and Haldir and the rest of the Galadhrim have mysteriously disappeared and thus will not make a cameo here, because in a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, the author will not know what the Galadhrim are, and will have forgotten about Haldir. Ascafalath plots to steal the Other Ring. Everyone else is too busy nancing about to notice. After all, this is a SELF-INSERTED MARY SUE.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The atypical author of a Self-Inserted Mary Sue will end of like this-Whut do u thnk? REED AND REVIEW PLZ!!!!!!!! I WIL NOT CONTINEW UNTIL I HAF 10373537 REVIEWS! SO STRT REVIEWING NOW! I WIL GIVE U A COKIE IF U REVEW! (Note: Spelling mistakes in that segment are intentional, in order to portray a proper Self-Inserted Mary Sue)

Real Author note: May the Valar have mercy on us, and deliver us from the evil Mary Sues.

P.S yes, I will continue this fic, it will probably be done in 2 or 3 chapters. And no, unlike the typical Self-Inserted Mary Sue author, I am not requiring you to post 10373537 reviews before I continue. Apologies to any Mary-Sue writer out there. This is just something fun to do.


	2. The Saga Continues (and ends)

Disclaimer: Yes, yes, nothings mine. Lets just get on with it, okay?

The Return of The Ultimate Mary Sue (in Self Insertion)

The Saga Continues…

WEL, I DINT GAT 10373537 REVIEWS, BUT IM POZTING THE SECOND CHP ANYWEY, CUZ IM A NIZ PERZON!!! HEEHEE (oh haha...yes…I'm convulsing with laughter. _Terribly witty_, that was.) ANYWEYZZZZZZZ, THNKS TO AVERYWAN WHO REVIEWED. HERE…U GAT A COKIE…HEEHEE…(Note: Spelling mistakes in that segment are intentional, in order to portray a proper Self-Inserted Mary Sue)

Right, so where were we? Oh yes…Everyone else is too busy prancing their nancing to notice Ascafalath's degeneration, and his succumbing to the Dark Side, despite the fact that he is curled up in a fetal position and whispering "my preciouss…" because this is, and I will repeat it again, this is a _SELF-INSERTED MARY SUE_. 

Why did Ascafalath turn evil? One would wonder. Well, it is yet another case of the if-I-can't-have-the-cookie-than-no-one-else-can syndrome, which is about as original as burgers in a fast food restaurant. So he automatically becomes psychotic and obsessed with Alagedhelwen, as well as the Other Ring. He's obsessed with the Other Ring too?! We gasp in (mock) horror. Damn right he is. Don't ask the author why, these senseless things just take place in Self-Inserted Mary Sues. 

We will leave Ascafalath to plot whatever he is plotting, though I seriously doubt that he actually experiences brain activity. On to Alagedhelwen. She is nancing by the banks of the Misty River (note: Silverlode. Self-Inserted Mary Sue author has never even touched the Fellowship of the Ring BOOK. Of course, we don't know that do we? Misty River is what she named it, so Misty River it will be). Alagedhelwen happens to be wearing one of those translucent, loooooooong, white nighties, which are extremely low cut. Nurwethion also happens to be nancing around the banks of the Misty River, bare chested (note: Don't ask me why. Its just the way a Self-Inserted Mary Sue works. Thinking bout it makes me feel sick.) and oh-so coincidentally bumps into her. And he growls

"Hi."

While she demands

"What are you doing here?" in her spitfire-y , headstrong voice, trying desperately to cover herself up, since she is wearing that bloody revealing nightie, the pretentious whore (note: I didn't call her a pretentious whore did I? No, of course I didn't call her a pretentious whore.). Nurwethion has a surge of Elvish Testosterone moment and silently grapples with his urge to shag her, while Alagedhelwen has a surge of Elvish Estrogen moment and silently grapples with her urge to shag him. This silence is interpreted by us as a TENSE silence, not a hormonally-charged silence. And the readers shake their computer screaming "Kiss her Nurwethion, you handsome bastard! We know you hate her but the both of you are PERFECT for each other! KISS HER!". The author of a Self-Inserted Mary Sue also will not be able to stand the torture of her dream-couple hating each other. So here goes nothing. 

Nurwethion slooowly advances toward Alagedhelwen, who stands frozen, letting her hands drop to her sides, so that he can se EVERYTHING, since she is wearing that translucent white nightie of hers. Nurwethion stares into her beautiful, fiery emerald eyes (note: here we choose to ignore the fact that Nurwethion is drooling. After all, we are utterly mesmerised by the story, are we not?), his arms encircle her waist, and before you know it, it's a long drawn, tongue-in-the-other-persons-mouth, salivary, 20 minute snog.

Note: Please excuse the author for a while. She has to run off to the toilet to puke. But note that a typical Self-Inserted Mary Sue author will have tears of joy in her eyes, and all who read this will go "Awwwww…sniff...that was so BEAUTIFUL!" yes, and I'm the Queen of England. 

Author note: Okay, I'm back. By the Valar, that was traumatic. I'm bloody scarred for the rest of my bloody life!

Back to the story. After the snogging, comes the all-night-long, xxx-rated, NC-17, very graphic, smut. (The author refuses to write this part. You can lock me up with orcs for all I care, I will NOT write that part), at exactly the same place where Legolas and Vordolwen shagged. Oh wow. What a coincidence. Ascafalath, as expected, sees this, and immediately plots to kill Nurwethion (Preciouss iss mine…you cannot takess preciouss away from Ascafalath…). When the lovely (sex-charged) couple have finally finished shagging, they sing. Oh wow. Alagedhelwen's voice is more beautiful that her parents voices combined together, and it must be noted that Vordolwen's voice is more beautiful than the voices of Celine Dion, Sarah Brightman, Lea Salonga, Barbara Streisand, Charlotte Church and every other bloody fantastic female singer in the world put together, while Legolas' voice is more beautiful than Michael Ball, Josh Groban, Ronan Keating, Luciano Pavarotti, Colm Wilkinson and every other bloody fantastic male singer in the world put together (Again note that the author does not like Ronan Keating. But there was not much to choose from). What song do they sing? The "I Love You" song, version two. 

The I Love You Song, v. 2.0

I Love Youuuuuuuuuuuuu

Our love is as true

As the sky is blue

And our hearts will soar

Forever more

Because I Love You 

Yes its true

I Love YOUUUUUUUUUU!

Out jumps Ascafalath, screaming bloody murder, brandishing a dagger, trying to kill Nurwethion. Alagedhelwen, miraculously clothed even though she was naked a milli-second ago, leaps in front of Nurwethion, with a cry of

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ascafalath stabs her. (Duh.) Ascafalath is horrified. (I have killed preciouss…preciouss iss deadss!) Nurwethion is horrified (NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!). Ascafalath kills himself. (Oh joy). Nurwethion rushes over to Alagedhelwen (Alagedhelwen! My love!). Nurwethion cradles Alagedhelwen. (Please don't die, my love). Nurwethion heals Ascafalath because he loves her so much (Self-Inserted Mary Sue, what did you expect?). Oh joy. Alagedhelwen is alive. Gasp! Hooray!.

Bye-bye to Lofftlorien. Galadriel and Kelebeletornian bid them farewell, and off go the happy couple, not the least bit upset that Ascafalath is dead (self-centered prickheads). They journey on cross hills, flowers, grass, earth, magically repelling any dirt that they come into contact with. And of course, every night, the sing the "I Love You v. 2.0) song, and shag. 

Fast Forward to Mount Doom. Note that Alagedhelwen's magical pets, have performed the disappearing act, the same was Vordolwen's pets did. Note that Sauron is alive, owing to the fact that this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue. So Sauron the Evil Bad Guy sends the ringwraiths after them. The ringwraiths try to take the Other Ring from Alagedhelwen, but she suddenly goes into a trance, and BOOM! POOF! Performs magic and kills them even though Ringwraiths, technically cannot die, since they are neither living nor dead. But this, my friends, is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue. Thus, Alagedhelwen daintily tosses the Other Ring into the fiery pits of Mount Doom. Its toodles to Sauron as he vanishes into thin air, and Mordor crumbles around Nurwethion and Alagedhelwen, who are too bust snogging to notice. Then miraculously, they are back in Rivenlorien, and are engaged to be married. No one, not Legolas nor Vordolwen nor Aragorn nor Erwon are the least bit sad at Ascafalath's death.

Fast Forward to wedding day. Alagedhelwen is wearing yet another looooooooong, white, translucent, low cut dress, but it's a wedding gown this time. Oh yeah, and Nurwethion has magically morphed into an elf.

Qui-Gon Jinn the Electric Maroon: I now pronounce you elf and wi-

A voice calls out: Wait!

A figure barges into the chapel. Who is this mysterious gate-crasher? None other than-

Legolas: Sauron? Wha-how-what are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead!

Sauron: Yes, I know, but my application to go to Hell got turned down. The Devil was afraid of the competition, and rejected my idea to turn Hell into Mordor Version 2.0. And apparently, according to Saint Peter, I'm too HOT for Heaven. Sooo, here I am! Ta-dah!

Nurwethion (melodramtically): Get lost! You shall never get your hands on my love Alagedhelwen!

Gimli: Sauronkins? Is that you, Pooh-bear?

Sauron: Yes, Gimli-wimli, my bearded little sugar-pie.

Gimli: You've come back for me, Sauron-poo! I always knew you would!

Sauron: Yes, lovie, and I also came to walk my daughter down the aisle, but I'm a bit too late.

Legolas, Vordolwen, Aragorn, Erwon, Qui-Gon Jinn the Electric Maroon, Nurwethion, Alagedhelwen all scream: Your DAUGHTER!

Sauron and Gimli clasp each others hands lovingly

Sauron: Well, it was after I told Gimli that I fancied him. We went to the Prancing Pony for a candlelight dinner, booked the honeymoon suite and well…you know…shagged. Without protection. Silly us!

Gimli: And since Sauron is Vordolwen, naturally, Vordolwen got pregnant, because Sauron obviously can't give birth.

Sauron: And now that Vordolwen has served her purpose…

Sauron throws a bucket of water at Vordolwen.

Vordolwen: I'm melting!

Vordolwen melts into nothingness

Alagedhelwen: Get away from me, Sauron, you…you evil bad guy!

Sauron (shrugs): Oh well, I never wanted a daughter anyway. I would rather have an Uruk-hai (nudges Gimli, who blushes)

Sauron snaps his fingers and a horse appears

Gimli: Oh Sauronkins! The latest Porsche Horse 4000 with turbo boosters! You shoudn't have!

Sauron: Anything for you, Gimlikins

Thus, Sauron and Gimli nance off into the sunset together, and this time, they really do live happily ever after.

THE OTHER END

Author notes: Well, that was fun! To Starbrat, I hope you're happy now that your favourite couple are together again! YAY! Once again, no offence to Mary Sue writers. Thanks to all who read and reviewed this fic as well as its prequel! Thanks to the person who labelled me as "disturbingly sarcastic". I'm flattered. No really! I take that as a compliment! I'm absolutely serious about that. It was honestly one of the most flattering things anybody's ever said about me. Thanks again, people! Go you!

--Millikov


	3. Epilogue

Disclaimer: none of the original lotr characters are mine. Epilogue (I couldn't resist.) 

Whatever happened to our dear Mary Sue and friends?

VORDOLWEN melted and ended up being blown to Kansas where she owns a dog named Toto, and made friends with a scarecrow, tin man and lion. 

LEGOLAS was doomed fall for Mary-Sue after Mary-Sue, the turning point came when he fell for a Slashy-Sue (Author note: My own creation. Exactly like a Mary-Sue/ Gary-Stu, except that he/she's gay/lesbian). This led LEGOLAS to lock himself up in ISENGARD, where he spent the rest of his days searching for the gateway to enlightenment and spiritual epiphany (Just go to Valinor, you moron), by meditating and consuming excessive amounts of heroin.  

NURWETHION was the Slashy-Sue LEGOLAS fell for (note: actually, LEGOLAS was forced by an evil Mary Sue writer. But shh…we don't know that. After all, LEGOLAS and NURWETHION are the PERFECT slash couple! *Hack, cough, cough, hurl*) LEGOLAS could take it no more, and killed NURWETHION using his special martial art skill-SUPREME HAIR SWORDSMANSHIP! (I.e., whipping one's hair around as a sword substitute)

HOOMBAROOMBALADEEDA and SISSYISSYWISSYKUMBAYA are happily engaged in a gay relationship. How sweet. Awwwww…

ASCAFALTH and GOLLUM/SMEAGOL are also happily engaged in a gay relationship, whispering sweet nothings to each other and some unknown person/thing every night, along the lines of GOLLUM: "Preciouss…they try to takes preciouss away from uss…yess…will protectss preciouss won't we, Ascafalath, my sweetss?"

ASCAFALATH: "No…will not letss them takess away the preciouss… yess…preciouss. Our preciouss…"

Isn't that just the most _romantic_ thing you've ever seen?

They also have frequent meetings with a mysterious person/elf/hobbit/whatever named HIKA, where they would plot to take over Middle-earth.

PIPPIN opened a shop selling "magic mushrooms", of which LEGOLAS is a frequent customer.

MERRY lives with a den of RABBITS, and they spend all their days nancing in the meadows eating carrots.

QUI GON JINN THE ELECTRIC MAROON, his senses dulled by his love of the hobbit-weed, mistook LURTZ THE URUK-HAI for an elf, and decided to make LURTZ his shag-mate. LURTZ, though wronged, is generous enough to forgive, and let QUI GON JINN THE ELECTRIC MAROON go on mistaking him for an elf. But alas, it was not to be, as QUI GON JINN THE ELECTRIC MAROON discovered who LURTZ really was, and, thoroughly traumatized, he moved to Britain, and reverted back the being DUMBLEDORE THE NEON PINK. He also has a new shag-mate, a certain lightning scarred boy with the initials H.P.

GLORFINDEL and FIGWIT are currently plotting ways to kill ERWON.

ERWON nicked FRODO away from ARAGORN, in the hope that FRODO would be her shag-mate. It worked. 

ARAGORN and GIMLI frequent the Pearly Gates of Gimli, where they spend time with the BALROG, doing Valar knows what.

SARUMAN became exasperated with all the weird situations in Middle-earth, and migrated to a galaxy far far away, changing his name to COUNT DOOKU. It was there that he met MACE WINDU, who fell for COUNT DOOKU'S pick up line-"You can turn on my lightsaber anytime, baby." COUNT DOOKU and MACE WINDU are currently very much involved with each other, thus explaining why MACE WINDU carries that purple lightsaber of his.

SAM, ELROND and KELEBELETORNIAN make a fine threesome.

GALADRIEL is stuck as a bloody spinster for the rest of her days, as KELEBELETORNIAN abandoned her for purpler pastures.

BILBO and HALDIR have fun poking at GALADRIELS shag-mate-less state.

DIAMOND AND ROSE are shag-mates. They do not shave their underarm hair either.

ALAGEDHELWEN is dead. MILLIKOV killed her. (Yay!)

SAURON and GIMLI are living happily ever after. They have even hired a wedding planner, STARBRAT.

Author note: did this inspire you to write any Gimli/Sauron slash? If so, tell me about it. Starbrat and Hika, if you're interested, those were my fanfic challenges for you. E-mail me if you don't get it. mintminmint@hotmail.com. Thanks to all my other fantastic reviewers. Go you! In case you guys are wondering, I have read the lotr trilogy countless times. My fave section? The appendix**.**


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